page 188, "What's so Amazing about Grace"

one by one the passions awake, prowl around

and sniff at the object of their covetousness;

they are attacking the poor undecided soul from the back

and he is done for.

How often has he got to be hurled into the ditch,

to be stifled by the mud,

to grasp at the edges and arise to the light again,

to feel his hands give way

and return again to the darkness,

before he finally submits to the spiritual life -

the least understood law in the world and the one

that repels him most though without it he

cannot attain the grace of perserverance.

What is required,

is the renunciation of the ego.

People may laugh and scoff at you for being

unworthy of the title of free man

and for having to submit yourself to

a master...

but this enslavement,


for even when you were free

you spent the whole time

forging chains for yourself,

putting them on,

riveting them tighter and tighter

each moment.

You have become imprisoned

more and more each day.

The man you submit to (self and society)

does not want you to be free.

He wants you to be a slave.

Francois Mauriac

Entire and Sweet renunciation. Absolute submission to Jesus Christ... [Blaise Pascal]


lovin my flaws

Time check. Its around 11:20am right now and already I am crying. Apparently, my tear ducts know nothing about time and dates or if it's to early or too late for a good outpour of tears.

I was just surfing the web and checking my online accounts when I came across this little site called LoveYourFlawz. I was browsing through the gallery when I started crying. I never knew that looking at a stranger's picture(the one below)

will make me cry. Happy tears they are, mind you. I am just amazed how God in His perfect wisdom made me. Can you believe that, HE MADE ME! I was the product of God's unbelievable imagination, ever fiber of my being were handcrafted by the Maker of the Universe. Max Lucado put it this way,
"What makes us special is not our body but the signature of God on our lives. We are his works of art. We are created in his image to do good deeds." - In the Grip of Grace

Its been 5 months since I unleashed my curls. I have an entire blog entry about that experience and now, I choose to focus writing about the battle that every feminine soul experience. It's a lifelong journey to find one's self and coming to the point of rejoicing in your personhood as God sees you.

Ok, so I never felt beautiful growing up. I was certain that I had MORE flaws than a typical person should have. I had tons of things that I hated about my self.
  1. My crinkly, unruly, wild, outrageous and out-of-this-world curls.
  2. My airport-sized forehead that could accommodate Airforce 1.
  3. My chubby cheeks.
  4. My BIG and oddly-shaped eyes.
  5. My height(which is quite obvious. I'm a mere 5 foot)
  6. My too small ears.
and the list goes on and on and on..
This dissecting thing became an everyday activity that I almost felt as if it was natural to feel or even choose to do it...repeatedly.

Looking different didn't help either. Everybody says that I don't look Filipino at all, and that fact alienated me from my people. I felt like being a foreigner in my own country. Walking along the streets of Manila, I get varied reaction from my fellowmen. Now, because I am a bit (OK, I am a lot) like Christopher Boone, I don't usually understand what exactly they are feeling seeing me but I can tell you that most of them laugh at me. I know that I don't have to care about what they say about me but I can't help feeling affected. On the lighter side, looking foreign has its perks. Be it, being served a larger portion of my food or salesladies and personnels being extra nice, I know that it isn't always a bad thing to look foreign.

My mindset changed when these verse reverberated inside my head while I was seeing the facial expression of a random person one afternoon:

John 15:18-20 (New International Version)

The World Hates the Disciples
18"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.


Philippians 3:19-21 (New International Version)

19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

Sure, some of you might not refer to my experience as persecution yet what I understood that moment was unimaginably priceless.

For you to understand the gravity of that Eureka! moment, I'll elaborate a little.
So, since I started to go natural with my hair, it drew attention (a lot of them unwanted) to me. Most people try to guess what my real nationality is. I had been mistaken to be of random and unrelated races and nationality that I feel the need to enumerate every one of them. In random order here they are:
  1. African-American
  2. American
  3. Punjabi/Punjaban(people of India)
  4. Cherokee
  5. Pakistani
  6. Lebanese
  7. Egyptian
  8. Italian
  9. Spanish
  10. Jamaican
  11. Russian(seriously?)
  12. Cambodian
  13. Thai
  14. Indonesian
  15. Chinese(this I don't know)
  16. Filipino(only one person told me so, and he was the one who asked me if I have chinese blood)
So far, I have fifteen races under my belt. And by now you might have an idea about the weight of my realizations.

Back to regular programming.

It was my I-am-not-of-this-world moment. I was close to falling facedown to praise God when I realized how he intelligently made me. All this time, I believe, it was God's way of reminding me of the truth that I don't belong to this world. My people thinks I am foreign and the rest of the world thinks I am foreign as well, so where do I really fit in?

dear Aboji, I thank you that you are

reminding me daily that I am not of this world, that my citizenship is in Heaven.
I am grateful that I can experience firsthand what it means, to really feel what it really means.
I love you, and I belong to you wholly.

loving herself,
Queen <3


the cure

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies

Philippians 4:6-9-The Message

the cure.


around 2am.
God I am awestruck.

and another.

I believe, is my favorite thing to do; books and I have been inseparable almost as long as I can remember . . . To this day, I become distressed if I am anywhere without a book, a magazine, a newspaper, any scrap of paper to read . . . . I like the smell of books, certainly the feel of them. Life without books would be, for me, a vacant horror."
-Charles Van Doren


my friends that don't even know who I am

I have always liked leisurely reading.

It was in grade 4 when I think I finished the entire Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series. That's like an entire bookcase of books, a new book a day. Since then I never grew tired of reading. I was never without my trusty companions.

I am not excited when it comes to going to malls, and If ever I'll go there at times there's a pretty good chance that you'll me inside a bookstore. I'll be searching for books --- reading to see if they are worthwhile to read.

And going inside a bookstore is a kind of a different experience for me. Its more than a candy store it's like Disneyland, only better.
It's not seeing heaps of books, instead its seeing their author hanging around inside the bookstore waiting for someone to talk to, someone to challenge and someone to entertain or inform.

My friends don't know me.
We hang out a lot, yet don't even have the slightest idea
that I do exist.
We have been friends for a while now yet they were not aware somehow
that I listen to them and that they do challenge
my beliefs and values.
Wanna meet them?

Lets here it from them:

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
Clive Staples Lewis
I have thought I am a creature of a day, passing through life as an arrow through the air. I am a spirit come from God, and returning to God, just hovering over the great gulf, till a few moments hence, I am no more seen; I drop into an unchangeable eternity! I want to know one thing—the way to heaven, how to land safe on that happy shore. God himself has condescended to teach the way; for this very end He
came from heaven. He has written it down in a book. O give me that Book at any price, give me the Book of God”
(from the preface of Sermons on Several Occasions by John Wesley, originally published in 1771)
The prochoice position always overlooks the victim's right to choose. The women don't choose rape. The blacks didn't choose slavery. The Jews didn't choose the ovens. And the babies don't choose abortion.
Randy Alcorn
The faith that justifies is a faith that also sanctifies. And the test whether our faith is the kind of faith that justifies is whether it is the kind of faith that sanctifies. -John Piper


must walk and swim more often...

The safest place in the universe is in the center of God's will.

It has always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ was not known, so that I would not be building on someone else's foundation.
14How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law.22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.
A conversation between me and my 4-year-old nephew last night.

Queen: So, Justin what do you want to become when you grow up?
*Justin thinking intently*
Justin: I want to be a doctor..
Queen: And why do you want to be a doctor?
Justin: Because I want to treat the sick people.
Queen: Are you sure about that?
*Justin thinks again*
Justin: I don't want to be a doctor anymore, I want to be a soldier.
*Justin grabs one of my books and he pretended it was a gun*
Queen: Ooohh, so why do you want to be a soldier?
Justin: Because....*thinks again*..I want to catch the thieves.
Queen: Really? What do thieves do?
Justin: They steal..
Queen: And what does stealing mean?
Justin: No, Tita I don't want to be a soldier anymore..I want to be a policeman.
Queen: Wait, why? What's the difference between a soldier and a policeman?
Justin: So that I can REALLY catch the thieves because I'm a police.
*motions like his one of the Power Rangers*
*Queen is starting to lose hope*
Queen: Are you finally sure about that? about becoming a policeman?
*long pause*
Justin: I changed my mind. I just want to be a HUMAN BEING.
*Queen laughs*
(and while I'm typing this he is behind me, playing with his cars and pretending that my back is a highway. Nice job, justin)

I have to prepare myself when his younger brother, Marquin grows up.

So whats the point of sharing this story?

It's just being sure of who you really want to be. It's knowing that desire God planted in your heart. It's knowing what you were made to do, and who you were made for and where you are headed.

One thing I realized tonight is that, My Romans 15:20 goes together with my desire to become a teacher. Jim Elliot, Elizabeth Elliot, Hudson Taylor and Amy Carmichael, Elizabeth Scott Stam, they are my heroes. Yes, I wanna be involved in pioneer missions work, God-willing.

I rest assure in the perfect will of my King. I know I'm in the safest place that I could possibly be.

This is a poem by Betty Stam.
Speaks of how I am feeling at this point of my life.

Stand Still and See

I'm standing, Lord:

There is a mist that blinds my sight.

Steep, jagged rocks, front, left and right,

Lower, dim, gigantic, in the night.

Where is the way?

I'm standing, Lord;

The black rock hems me in behind,

Above my head a moaning wind

Chills and oppresses heart and mind.

I am afraid!

I'm standing, Lord:

The rock is hard beneath my feet;

I nearly slipped, Lord, on the sleet.

So weary, Lord! and where a seat?

Still must I stand?

He answered me, and on His face

A look ineffable of grace,

Of perfect, understanding love,

Which all my murmuring did remove.

I'm standing, Lord:

Since Thou hast spoken, Lord I see

Thou hast beset—these rocks are Thee!

And since Thy love encloses me,

I stand and sing.

Elizabeth Scott Stam

While I was walking home a while ago, I told God I want Him to fetch me at that very moment. As in, I was almost ready to call chariots of fire from Heaven to escort me to my King. As usual, I did a lot of thinking before that prayer. I was asking God, "If Heaven is my final destination, why can't I just go there NOW?". Sigh.

This is my prayer..

"Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt. Send me where Thou wilt. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever."
18-year-old Elizabeth Scott Stam
(Her prayer that I love so much that it ended up at the cover page of my Bible.)

I have to spend more time SON-bathing.


Journeying with you,


Musings of my old soul

God is not glorified when we keep for ourselves (no matter how thankfully) what we ought to be using to alleviate the misery of unevangelized, uneducated, unmedicated, and unfed millions. The evidence that many professing Christians have been deceived by this doctrine is how little they give and how much they own. God has prospered them. And by an almost irresistible law of consumer culture (baptized by a doctrine of health, wealth, and prosperity) they have bought bigger (and more) houses, newer (and more) cars, fancier (and more) clothes, better (and more) meat, and all manner of trinkets and gadgets and containers and devices and equipment to make life more fun.

They will object: Does not the Old Testament promise that God will prosper his people? Indeed! God increases our yield so that by giving we can prove our yield is not our god. God does not prosper a man's business so he can move from a Ford to a Cadillac. God prospers a business so that 17,000 unreached peoples can be reached with the gospel. He prospers a business so that twelve percent of the world's population can move a step back from the precipice of starvation.
-John Piper
Think with me for a moment. How has life turned out differently from the way you thought it would? If you are single, did you want to be? If you are married, is this the marriage you hoped for? Do you long to have children, or in having them, are you delighted with the course they’ve chosen for their lives? Your friendships—are they as rich and deep and lasting as you want? When the holidays roll around, do you look forward with eager anticipation to the time you’ll spend with the people in your life? And afterward, as you pack away the decorations and clean up the mess, did the reality match your expectations?

How about your work, your place in the world—do you go to bed each night with a deep sense of having made a lasting contribution? Do you enjoy ongoing recognition for your unique successes? Are you even working in a field that fits you? Are you working at all? Now, what if I told you that this is how it will always be, that this life as you now experience it will go on forever just as it is, without improvement of any kind? Your health will stay as it is; your finances will remain as they are, your relationships, your work, all of it.

It is hell.
-John Eldredge
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing


I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life



Ok I know I should be sleeping by now but my mind is so full of stuff and I MUST write just to release some pressure.

I was thinking, can I go on living without actually being affected about things that are happening everywhere?

Can I go on living without experiencing the thrill of joy and love?

Can I go on living without pursuing the God-given desire in my heart?

Can I go on living without being acquainted with my soul?

Can I go on living without laughing over silly things and friends making faces?

Can I go on living without the oxygen of life which is God Himself?

I'd rather live a single day than be stuck in a life wherein Im as dead as I can be.


6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live


28. Resolved, to study the Scriptures
so steadily, constantly and frequently,
as that I may find,
and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same.

Oh Lord I have so much to learn!!!
Im a firm believer of proper timings. Buti na lang, God's timetable is very different than mine. All things are most beautiful when they are fully ripe.


When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die.

Addison Leitch

Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal.

John 12:23-25 (The Message)


my weakness is ever before me.

I am facing a thousand little hourly deaths.

And I live alone in hope that your promises, are way better

than life.

I must not cling to the temporary pleasures offered me by the Enemy.

I choose to die....

in order to live.

i am ready..

my prayer
a beautiful

quoted from my old blog

Monday, June 02, 2008

12:56 PM


Lunchtime, a time where we can spot plenty of Mutya's relatives inside the mall. We always made it a point to just stare and be in awe of there beauty -- unconventional beauty that is. Weeks later, we saw Mutya, her delicate and gentle beauty, her unique charm. I was definitelycaptivated by her. That's when we decided to save her, and that we'll go back to take her away from that place. So do you know what Mutya is? Why I named her the way I did? Maybe the title made your eyebrows rise.

The truth is Mutya is a CACTUS. A very pretty and special cactus. I've been recently fascinated by these creatures called cacti. I have been battling with magnified insecurities for the past month because of constant teasing and mean remarks from my peers. And then, I came across a bunch of cacti in Megamall, I was really captivated. I can say that these creatures are less preferred than bouquets of roses, daisies or tulips. A cactus in a sea of fakeflowers. That's when I realized that I was like a cactus,

I am a cactus

Just like a cactus, I'm not what the society or the people call beautiful. Just like a cactus, I’m unconventionally beautiful but nonetheless beautiful. Just like a cactus, I put on a fa├žade of thorns thinking they make me brave but actually needs someone to look after me. Just like a cactus, I'm SPECIAL. BEAUTIFUL. UNIQUE. And if ever, I'm at my lowest I'll remember that my Savior King thinks that….

I'm the prettiest CACTUS in His eyes.

No one else's opinion matters.

PS (Mutya is a gift from my best friend)

Kei (http://profiles.friendster.com/8283261)

I'll take good care of Mutya. She's my baby now.

Thank you for giving her to me. Such a wonderful gift.

And surely, you made me happy and Mutya as well.


"For everything that God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected.."

1 Timothy 4;4

Muller-ized happy souls

According to my judgement the most important point to be attended to is this:
above all things see to it that your souls are happy in the Lord.
Other things may press upon you, the Lord's work may even have urgent claims upon your attention,
but I deliberately repeat,
it is of supreme and paramount importance that you
should seek above all things to have your souls truly happy in God Himself!
Day by day seek to make this the most important business of your life.
This has been my firm and settled condition for the last five and thirty years.
For the first four years after my conversion I knew not its vast importance,
but now after much experience
I specially commend this point to the notice of my younger brethren and sisters in Christ:
the secret of all true effectual service is joy in God,
having experimental acquaintance and fellowship with God Himself.


during a boring afternoon what must a bored person do?

if your like me then you must be doing three things during this time.
  • reading a bunch of books, all at the same time
  • recording a new song and posting in on Youtube.
and when you are really, really bored..
  • watch random videos at YOUTUBE...

Im calling out to all my friends, lets film me when I am caffeine blasted.
I wonder if I look a lot like this.

Sweet little creature saying what he really feels about his mom.
You rock little boy.

be kickin his what?

my goodness little kid what are you doing?


Kill the shadow momma, kill it.

love/hate relationship with the word why


Before blogging became popular, digital communities took many forms, including Usenet, commercial online services such as GEnie, BiX and the early CompuServe, e-mail lists[63] and Bulletin Board Systems (BBS). In the 1990s, Internet forum software, created running conversations with "threads." Threads are topical connections between messages on a metaphorical "corkboard."

The modern blog evolved from the online diary, where people would keep a running account of their personal lives. Most such writers called themselves diarists, journalists, or journalers. Justin Hall, who began personal blogging in 1994 while a student at Swarthmore College, is generally recognized as one of the earliest bloggers,[64] as is Jerry Pournelle.[citation needed] Dave Winer's Scripting News is also credited with being one of the oldest and longest running weblogs.[65][66] Another early blog was Wearable Wireless Webcam, an online shared diary of a person's personal life combining text, video, and pictures transmitted live from a wearable computer and EyeTap device to a web site in 1994. This practice of semi-automated blogging with live video together with text was referred to as sousveillance, and such journals were also used as evidence in legal matters.

Early blogs were simply manually updated components of common Web sites. However, the evolution of tools to facilitate the production and maintenance of Web articles posted in reverse chronological order made the publishing process feasible to a much larger, less technical, population. Ultimately, this resulted in the distinct class of online publishing that produces blogs we recognize today. For instance, the use of some sort of browser-based software is now a typical aspect of "blogging". Blogs can be hosted by dedicated blog hosting services, or they can be run using blog software, or on regular web hosting services.

--from Wikipedia.com

Whoever invented THE blog, I salute you. You perfectly made a way for people to express themselves and discover who they really are in the process.

I'm not an articulate speaker. I sometimes cannot say how I feel and I usually find it hard to explain myself. Pairing it with a brain running faster than any hertz or horsepower combined, is a sure way to make me appear insane at times. That's why I love/hate the word why. Yea, it helps me understand but it also demands an explanation, that I can't always give.

I think that's the reason why I instantly fell in love with Post-its. It's like having portable memory/brain with you. Oh, I cannot forget to bring my variety of pens to aid me in this battle too.

Here's one of the contents of my Post-it:

  • Jerico Rosales like Mraz
  • Preschool teachers being beautiful
  • Sinigang sa Madaling-araw
  • What makes a person?
  • Personification
  • Invader Zim
(this portion are my notes during a conversation with my friends. Bulleted points can sometime include realizations. They don't mean much to you, but they mean a whole lot to me.)

  1. Puny Sunflower
(I am a storyteller and a story plot suddenly comes to mind during conversations and I must write in down on paper or it'll forever be missed by story-hungry minds)

  • drawing of a back of girl with a wing tattoo
  • drawing of a spoon.
(I do this when my mind is imsanely fast that I cannot keep up with just words. So I draw ,yes, drawing/doodling helps my memory too!)

I try to make my notes as sensible as it can be, but I realized I don't have to make sense all the time because the reality is I don't make sense at times.

Most of my notes, (even while speaking) are presented in a non-linear manner. They are, most of the time, are not in the proper sequence. Blame my brain for that.

Randomness adds a lot of flavor. :)