Reflections + Raindrops

An entry I wrote on August 14, 2011 (2:39AM)

The monsoon season is far from over. Since I am forever infatuated with summer, this season is not something I look forward to. Fortunately for us, God speaks through his creation. He whispers spiritual insights into just about anything. Rain showers and thunderstorms are not exceptions. They remind me of the day when I was spiritually low, solitary in an empty library, and watching the rain pour endlessly. “The Hind’s Feet on High Places”  was a faithful companion that day and my imaginative goggles were on.

I sat there silently listening, the droplets were quietly crashing to the ground. I pitied them. From the time they were conceived until they reach their maturity, they were destined to die. I imagined the stench of death everywhere as they fall helplessly, inching closer and closer to their grave. I imagined how each droplet dread the day they were called todrop everything and plunge toward the earth. It must have been painful. The distance between the atmosphere and the earth could have been magnified a million times. They were falling, dying. Their journey was a long one.

On the other side, a tiny seed was thrusted into the earth. Abandoned. Choked by the dirt all around it as darkness closes in. With no light and no companion, it dies a miserable death.Both are unaware of their destinies. Two seeming deaths gave birth to life: a rainbow hoisted as a triumphant banner across the clear sky and a seedling sprouting out of the moist ground it considered its grave.

Despite the fact that their sacrifice produced life, I think it is a hopeless kind. They were completely unaware of the future. They did not know about the amazing things that happened after they lose themselves completely.

In John 12:20-35, Jesus predicted his death while Hebrews 12:22 talks of the joy that was before him which motivated him to endure his cross. Its hard to imagine how death and joy could be in the same sentence. But that’s the Christian life. And as Christians, like the rain and the seed, we are called, predestined to do the same.

If only he was referring to death in the literal sense, things could be a lot easier, however, deaths come in various forms and sizes. Death could mean asking for forgiveness from someone you wronged whether unintentionally or not. It could mean restoring your broken relationship with your parents. It could be letting go of your rights and putting other’s needs first. It could mean going after a dream or running away from it. But for most of us, it simply means surrendering our will, our thoughts, our feelings, our entire self, moment-by-moment to the Lordship of Christ.

Whatever it might look like for you, be certain that Christ was and is and will be on the same path, walking with you, and urging you to remember the life that is promised you. Surely, we would realize that we never truly lived until we have died a thousand little daily deaths, with Him and for Him.

DQS: De Quervain's Syndrome

De Quervain's Syndrome is commonly referred to as Gamer's Thumb or New Mommy wrist. I'm no gamer nor am I a new mom but I was recently diagnosed with this thing. A bummer, I know. It is kinda, sorta related to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Who knows, they might even be cousins. Basically, I've lost any sensation on my left thumb and the right side of my left forefinger. I can move my fingers, yes, but my left wrist is perpetually in pain. Intense pain. I'm still waiting until my wrist+thumb support grows on me.

My left hand grew weaker too. I'm unable to grip well, let alone hold something heavier than an empty glass. I'm glad I'm right-handed which means I can still write with a pen with ease, one thing I rarely thanked God for in the past.

I'm still trying to figure out what to take from this experience. I'm pretty sure there are some lessons here that would benefit you and me. For one, I think, two is often better than one. Like having a pair of ears and feet, two hands get the job done twice as fast and twice as effective. Our hands share the task of typing, washing the dishes, wringing a wet towel, carrying an infant, and clapping, on a daily basis.

Meds and the humble wrist support are the temporary solutions at the moment. I wish they'd help me heal fast. If not, steroid shots and a surgery are possibilities I dread in the near future.

It's true that this became an overnight insecurity of mine. I'm worried about a lot of stuff I have no control over. Oh, my stupid vice and I adding damage to this literal injury.

Although I'm unable to do many things like playing the guitar, learning to play a new instrument (as you know, instrument playing requires both hands), longboarding, carrying my cute nephews, using the left hand as a substitute for when my right hand gets tired and lotsa other things, I am thankful for the chance to slow things down. I feel like an infant relying on my other limb and the kindness of the people around me to get by. I'm humbled by my handicap. It reminds me that I'm in constant need of grace and that the God I serve is ever ready to dispense the grace I badly need. God is good.

⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

New International Version (NIV)

The Wilderness of Loneliness

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 Smack dab in the wilderness of Loneliness

Lately, I have been pretty much lonely. I often thought of past lovers and almost-lovers and how things could have turned out differently if I did this, and that. I stalked these oblivious men. I tracked their statuses and photos to see their ladies. Pathetic, I know. Still, I would continue on and bask in self-pity. My brain would burst in inquiries of the things I did wrong and those which I did not do. I would relive the past in my head, trying to comprehend and to remember.

A life of celibacy and single hood scared me. As a matter of fact, it continues to haunt me. I could not, for the life of me, embrace this sort of life. It is frightening.

Reeking of desperation and low self-esteem, I looked to others for validation. I wanted to be wanted. I needed to be needed. I loved to be loved. What a fool I had been! Someone wants me, loves me, and is serious enough to have a hankering for a relationship with me. Unbelievable!

He, too, endured the long road of loneliness. He suffered a great deal. It was truly painful and he did it to please his Daddy. He is a superhuman, a love machine, the most beautiful thing the world has ever seen. And he wants me, my entirety. Oh love is never blind... it sees.

Lightbulb

"If your heart takes more pleasure in reading novels, or watching TV, or going to the movies, or talking to friends, rather than just sitting alone with God and embracing Him, sharing His cares and His burdens, weeping and rejoicing with Him, then how are you going to handle forever and ever in His presence? You’d be bored to tears in heaven, if you’re not ecstatic about God now!"

— Keith Green

esta es mi oracion en el desierto

Dear Queen,

if you're lost you can look--

and you will find me

time after time

if you fall I will catch you--

I'll be waiting time after time

this love is unbreakable,
through fire and flames,
when all this is over,
Our love still remains.

God's love.

Enduring.

Unfailing.

Immense.

All-encompassing.

Inexhaustible.

yet still is Indescribable.

My Lover,

Your fierce passionate love right now is so real in my life.

You are indeed the Lover of my soul.

I can feel you pursuing me every moment.

Suddenly, every love song is about us, sunshine, stars, meals, people,

every smile, every situation is like a neat little package from You.

Every passage is an assurance or an affirmation from You.

I know that in every situation that I am facing is Your way of

IMPRESSING me, a way to showcase Your Strength.

I am joyful in whatever situation I am faced with, because I know

You will be there to prove Your Love, Your Grace.

I AM IMPRESSED, impress me even more!

I love being in the desert because it's a place for vulnerability, a place wherein You will be

seen, a place of refuge, a place where I can meet with You alone.

I LOVE YOU TOO my Lover.

I am Yours.

--

Your Bride.

Queen

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Romans 8:35-39 (New International Version)

³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?³⁶As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jeremiah 31:3 (New International Version)

³ The LORD appeared to us in the past,saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

Pierced Monday.

This afternoon was an excellent way for Aboji to teach me Isaiah 53 in a new light.

Tatin, my 5-year-old nephew was playing with Kurt, our neighbor. After I took a bath, I was shocked to hear Tatin screaming and crying. He was brought to me by Mom and it was then that I saw him, bloody hands, arms and shirt. I'm not sure what happened. There were several deep cuts on his palms and arms and they were bleeding profusely as he continued wailing. I went and washed his open wounds making his scream louder. I was fighting back tears, for once I must appear strong enough for him in that helpless situation. Mom was there with us, scolding and blaming Tatin for being so careless. I got angry. Tatin, was a kid and what do you except from a kid? Of course, he'll act like a kid, after all he's 5 not 25. Somehow, I managed to gently persuade Mom to quit scolding and blaming the little boy, it was not helping in any way. As I continue to wash his wounds, I was bewildered to hear what was on his mind at that painful moment.

"What if Mom knew I got injured, for sure she'll hit me and scold me."

and he continued to cry even more.

I could not believe that's what he was caring about when he was already in deep pain. I was surprised to know that he was fearful of his parents and instead of running towards them for comfort and refuge, he was ready to ran away from them for safety. I'm not sure if his young mind understood the gravity of his statement, but it sure was a wake-up call for me. Not only what atmosphere I will provide my future family but to the family that I have here and now.

I was cradling him awhile ago, hoping somehow that doing so will help ease his pain. I didn't know what to say to him so all I did was be there. I told him that his wounds will be gone sooner if he treat and clean it. At first he resisted but after a few minutes I finally persuaded him.

Since I just took a bath and I hurriedly attended to his needs, I was not able to dry my hair properly. I asked him if I could do so and his response melted my heart,

"Just stay here with me Tita."

almost begging me to stay.

he didn't want anyone else to care for him.

I wept and embraced him, who cares about my dripping wet hair? He needed me, he wanted me and that's all that I care about.

As he was watching Cartoon Network, I went and washed the dishes. I could not contain my heart any longer. I felt helpless because of the situation so I cried out to God in prayer, telling him about my worries and realizations. I scrubbed every bit of anxiety with the peace of God.

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Then I remembered Isaiah 53. All the things that happened that afternoon was a small scale portrayal of the Calvary. Tatin was just my nephew, I was not his mother and yet the pain that I felt was unbearable. What more did God felt when he gave His only begotten Son, to reconcile his people back to Him? I will never be able to comprehend.

Isaiah 53:10 (New International Version)

¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes^[a] his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

Kuya Caleb asked me ages ago, "Who or What killed Christ?" The Jews? The Roman soldiers? The World's Sin? The nail? Christ Himself [I thought he just gave up breathing (cf Luke 23:46)]? I was not prepared to hear the truth, that it was God and His Will that killed Christ (I'm using the word killed here loosely). You bet I was offended, I was even scandalized. I was sure, God will not do anything like that and yet it was the truth, the awefully and wonderfully painful truth.

How did it feel for God to do such thing? God has emotions, and none of those were sinful so I imagined his heart probably broken beyond comprehension.

Mark 15:33 (New International Version)

³³At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. ³⁴And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

and I somehow caught a glimpse of His pain.

I'll never know

How much it cost

to see my sins

upon that Cross

Aboji, It was a humbling experience to be Tatin's hands for a while.

We decided to look at the brighter side of things.

Since he can't use both his hands, I have a reason to spoon feed him

and to help him drink water and to bathe him.

Thank You that you are providing me ways to apply the Sunday Sermon and

the relationship principles.

I'm praying that this incident will be memorable not only to me but

more so for him.

I pray that what he'll remember will not be the pain nor the wounds

but the love and care provided for him that time, and may

he tearfully refer to this incident when he's faced with the decision

to receive you into his life.

Amen.

I am talking to myself. Teaching my soul. Psalm 42

"It's someone ye'll never have heard of. Her name on earth was Sarah Smith and she lived at Golders Green."

"She seems to be ... well, a person of particular importance?"

"Aye. She is one of the great ones. Ye have heard that fame in this country and fame on Earth are two quite different things."

"..And who are all these young men and women on each side?"

"They are her sons and daughters."

"She must have had a very large family, Sir."

"Every young man or boy that met her became her son-even if it was only the boy that brought the meat to her back door. Every girl that met her was her daughter."

"Isn't that a bit hard on their own parents?" "No. There are those that steal other people's children. But her motherhood was of a different kind. Those on whom it fell went back to their natural parents loving them more. Few men looked on her without becoming, in a certain fashion, her lovers. But it was the kind of love that made them not less true, but truer, to their own wives."

Page 176-179, Captivating: Unveiling the mystery of a Woman's Soul

God is good, right? I am in awe how the Lord is pointing the path to me. And I love that God provides ample "light" from His Word to sustain me with each prayer-soaked step that I take.

I just came back from a sort of retreat from Ava's place in Bulacan. I stayed there for three days, and boy I am full. I think I gained a few kilos because her Mom fed me like there's no tomorrow. She even gave me a pretty dress that I'll wear on sunday and "Magenta" (Blue's cousin). But more importantly, I was refreshed by prolonged prayer, devotions and reflection times. We decided beforehand that I can't talk to her while we are there so I had all the time in the world to ponder about a lot of BIG things. I wrote lots of letters. I wrote prayers even. I journaled all I want till I was sleepy and tired from reading and writing. In between reflections and studying, I also took pictures of random things there. I wish I could go back sooner.

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MASTER

MISSION

MATE

I've learned about that concept when I was just barely a two-month-old Christian. It was my discipler who taught me this and it was only now that I've realized the significance of those three words in their proper order. In the Christian walk, mostly teenagers and single adults skip the mission part, and I am guilty of that mindset as well. We go about our walk with Christ consumed by thoughts about matters of the heart when we know for a fact that we are nowhere near ready to commit in an exclusive relationship, let alone be married. I am blessed to have had personal Biblical convictions, to have read IKDG and to have been mentored by Godly women and couples even in the arena of love.

Lord, I heard You. You gave me that verse three times already.

I know my priorities, and I must choose to prioritize my priorities.

I am weak, I am afraid, enable me to obey.

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Hebrews 11:17-19 (New International Version)

¹⁷By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, ¹⁸even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring^[a] will be reckoned.^[b] ¹⁹Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.

Hebrews 12:1-6 (New Living Translation)

¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.^a] Because of the joy^b]awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;^c] then you won’t become weary and give up. ⁴After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.

⁵ And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children?^d]He said,

“My child,^[e] don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and don’t give up when he corrects you.
⁶ For the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”^f]

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Dearest Aboji,

"This day do I, with the utmost solemnity, surrender myself to thee. I renounce all former lords that have had dominion over me; and I consecrate to thee all that I am, and all that I have; the faculties of my mind, the members of my body, my worldly possessions, my time, and my influence over others; to be all used entirely for thy glory, and resolutely employed in obedience to thy commands, as long as thou continuest me in life; with an ardent desire and humble resolution to continue thine through all the endless ages of eternity; ever holding myself in an attentive posture to observe the first intimations of thy will, and ready to spring forward with zeal and joy to the immediate execution of it.
"To thy direction also I resign myself, and all I am and have, to be disposed of by thee in such a manner as thou shalt in thine infinite wisdom judge most subservient to the purposes of thy glory. To thee I leave the management of all events, and say without reserve, `Not my will, but thine be done,' rejoicing with a loyal heart in thine unlimited government, as what ought to be the delight of the whole rational creation.

PHILIP DODDRIDGE (26 June 1702 – 26 October 1751)

Yours,

Queen

page 188, "What's so Amazing about Grace"

one by one the passions awake, prowl around

and sniff at the object of their covetousness;



they are attacking the poor undecided soul from the back

and he is done for.



How often has he got to be hurled into the ditch,

to be stifled by the mud,

to grasp at the edges and arise to the light again,

to feel his hands give way

and return again to the darkness,

before he finally submits to the spiritual life -

the least understood law in the world and the one

that repels him most though without it he

cannot attain the grace of perserverance.



What is required,

is the renunciation of the ego.



People may laugh and scoff at you for being

unworthy of the title of free man

and for having to submit yourself to

a master...



but this enslavement,

is really a MIRACULOUS LIBERATION,

for even when you were free

you spent the whole time

forging chains for yourself,

putting them on,

riveting them tighter and tighter

each moment.



You have become imprisoned

more and more each day.

The man you submit to (self and society)

does not want you to be free.

He wants you to be a slave.



Francois Mauriac

Entire and Sweet renunciation. Absolute submission to Jesus Christ... [Blaise Pascal]

awestruck

around 2am.

God I am awestruck.

acid-free relationships

:THP:
Classic Red Moleskine

I need to buy one soon. My mind is in a disarray and my thoughts need a place to stay. They are complaining because they are so crammed and unclassified inside my head. THEY NEED TO BE PROCESSED! Oh, moleskine, Drop your prices soon!!!!

Anne DL

I found this interesting moleskine art from the web. Her art is sick!! I wish my THP will be as alive as hers. I'll try to make it as interesting, colorful and sensible(this one is difficult though).

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I feel detached lately. :( I'm not sure as to whom and why. I was drawn to think and ponder about my ways, my character, my life,my God in the past days. How quickly time flies by and I'm close to becoming hopeless regarding one of my prayer items -- a language scholarship in South Korea. I'm full of worries about the future again, a sign of unbelief. I need to sit and study my Bible again. To drink deep, to devour ravenously and freely bask in the richness of God's Word. I got used to nuggets of truth and I haven't had a "full-meal" since forever.
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To my coffeedate,
I love you.
I can't think of any other words to say.
Thank you for today and for the decades
and even a lifetime of friendship to come.
I'll never be an old friend. <3
Im so gonna be like Eli forever.

fantasy sequence?


I'm sorry but this is my blog, so I'm gonna
be taller than you. LOL


<3 Ming

To my Dream Giver

Everybody's looking for a something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much it means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as it may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without

And in this place I long to be
You'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings