Until you let go of all these things you hold
You gotta let go and watch your life unfold
You're part of a grand design bigger than what you had in mind
But you’ll never know, you’ll never know
Until you let it go

it still is worth it

always.

Unquenchable Longing

digital encouragements.

Profitez des petits plaisirs de la vie, car un jour vous vous rendrez compte qu'ils étaient vraiemnt de grans plaisirs."

-wisdom from an Ivory bar soap

esta es mi oracion en el desierto

Dear Queen,

if you're lost you can look--

and you will find me

time after time

if you fall I will catch you--

I'll be waiting time after time

this love is unbreakable,
through fire and flames,
when all this is over,
Our love still remains.

God's love.

Enduring.

Unfailing.

Immense.

All-encompassing.

Inexhaustible.

yet still is Indescribable.

My Lover,

Your fierce passionate love right now is so real in my life.

You are indeed the Lover of my soul.

I can feel you pursuing me every moment.

Suddenly, every love song is about us, sunshine, stars, meals, people,

every smile, every situation is like a neat little package from You.

Every passage is an assurance or an affirmation from You.

I know that in every situation that I am facing is Your way of

IMPRESSING me, a way to showcase Your Strength.

I am joyful in whatever situation I am faced with, because I know

You will be there to prove Your Love, Your Grace.

I AM IMPRESSED, impress me even more!

I love being in the desert because it's a place for vulnerability, a place wherein You will be

seen, a place of refuge, a place where I can meet with You alone.

I LOVE YOU TOO my Lover.

I am Yours.

--

Your Bride.

Queen

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Romans 8:35-39 (New International Version)

³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?³⁶As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jeremiah 31:3 (New International Version)

³ The LORD appeared to us in the past,saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

Pierced Monday.

This afternoon was an excellent way for Aboji to teach me Isaiah 53 in a new light.

Tatin, my 5-year-old nephew was playing with Kurt, our neighbor. After I took a bath, I was shocked to hear Tatin screaming and crying. He was brought to me by Mom and it was then that I saw him, bloody hands, arms and shirt. I'm not sure what happened. There were several deep cuts on his palms and arms and they were bleeding profusely as he continued wailing. I went and washed his open wounds making his scream louder. I was fighting back tears, for once I must appear strong enough for him in that helpless situation. Mom was there with us, scolding and blaming Tatin for being so careless. I got angry. Tatin, was a kid and what do you except from a kid? Of course, he'll act like a kid, after all he's 5 not 25. Somehow, I managed to gently persuade Mom to quit scolding and blaming the little boy, it was not helping in any way. As I continue to wash his wounds, I was bewildered to hear what was on his mind at that painful moment.

"What if Mom knew I got injured, for sure she'll hit me and scold me."

and he continued to cry even more.

I could not believe that's what he was caring about when he was already in deep pain. I was surprised to know that he was fearful of his parents and instead of running towards them for comfort and refuge, he was ready to ran away from them for safety. I'm not sure if his young mind understood the gravity of his statement, but it sure was a wake-up call for me. Not only what atmosphere I will provide my future family but to the family that I have here and now.

I was cradling him awhile ago, hoping somehow that doing so will help ease his pain. I didn't know what to say to him so all I did was be there. I told him that his wounds will be gone sooner if he treat and clean it. At first he resisted but after a few minutes I finally persuaded him.

Since I just took a bath and I hurriedly attended to his needs, I was not able to dry my hair properly. I asked him if I could do so and his response melted my heart,

"Just stay here with me Tita."

almost begging me to stay.

he didn't want anyone else to care for him.

I wept and embraced him, who cares about my dripping wet hair? He needed me, he wanted me and that's all that I care about.

As he was watching Cartoon Network, I went and washed the dishes. I could not contain my heart any longer. I felt helpless because of the situation so I cried out to God in prayer, telling him about my worries and realizations. I scrubbed every bit of anxiety with the peace of God.

----------------------------------------------------

Then I remembered Isaiah 53. All the things that happened that afternoon was a small scale portrayal of the Calvary. Tatin was just my nephew, I was not his mother and yet the pain that I felt was unbearable. What more did God felt when he gave His only begotten Son, to reconcile his people back to Him? I will never be able to comprehend.

Isaiah 53:10 (New International Version)

¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes^[a] his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

Kuya Caleb asked me ages ago, "Who or What killed Christ?" The Jews? The Roman soldiers? The World's Sin? The nail? Christ Himself [I thought he just gave up breathing (cf Luke 23:46)]? I was not prepared to hear the truth, that it was God and His Will that killed Christ (I'm using the word killed here loosely). You bet I was offended, I was even scandalized. I was sure, God will not do anything like that and yet it was the truth, the awefully and wonderfully painful truth.

How did it feel for God to do such thing? God has emotions, and none of those were sinful so I imagined his heart probably broken beyond comprehension.

Mark 15:33 (New International Version)

³³At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. ³⁴And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

and I somehow caught a glimpse of His pain.

I'll never know

How much it cost

to see my sins

upon that Cross

Aboji, It was a humbling experience to be Tatin's hands for a while.

We decided to look at the brighter side of things.

Since he can't use both his hands, I have a reason to spoon feed him

and to help him drink water and to bathe him.

Thank You that you are providing me ways to apply the Sunday Sermon and

the relationship principles.

I'm praying that this incident will be memorable not only to me but

more so for him.

I pray that what he'll remember will not be the pain nor the wounds

but the love and care provided for him that time, and may

he tearfully refer to this incident when he's faced with the decision

to receive you into his life.

Amen.

Blessed to be a Blessing

Today is the day after the worship camp and I'm thrilled and challenged to cram three-days worth of reflections in a single entry. So let me warn you as early as now that this might be the longest post in my blog so far.

I had a hard time choosing a title for this post. I mean, how could I possible summarize those richly blessed days in a phrase. But hey, I just did. :)

Hmmm, so I went to Antipolo to learn and unlearn things about worship, worshipping and leading people to worship. As I expected, our camp was jam-packed with activities and sessions, eating and recreation and well, walks and talks in between it all.

We were privileged to have listened to Pastor Rommel Guevara, a famous Filipino Pastor/worship leader/ songwriter and I found his personality and our sessions with him the most enjoyable. He talked about what is worship, why worship, how to worship and some other things about worship that I don't remember at all. :) (I might be happily intoxicated during those times.) But what I learned about worship and being led to worship did not transpire inside the four corners of our air-conditioned hall, it happened outside under the grace-filled days and nights with lonesome souls.

Blessing #1: Grace aka "my little blessing"

I was out with her for breakfast the first day of the camp. As I was happily devouring my meal consisting of corned beef, sinangag and fried egg when I started to purposely ask her questions starting with the harmless "Kamusta ka?" which ended up with my food half-consumed and her sobbing her thank yous.

Queen: "Do you realize how beautiful your name is? I think that the reason why your parents named you Grace is because to them you are such a blessing."

Grace: *already crying* "Ate, you are the only person who told me that. Thank you."

While walking back to the campsite, I couldn't help but praise God, how he was there and how he used me --even if all I did was listen and be available -- to be a blessing to "my little blessing". Whatever it is we talked about the sacred morning, you just have to ask her. All I know is that "My little blessing" is a step closer to finding herself and be freed from all her insecurities.

Blessing #2: Kevin

I have been particularly interested in this kid since the first time I met him. His back-off and don't-mess-with-me-or-your-dead stare got my attention right away. I was wondering as to what's with all the rage in him and what's the real reason behind it. I was determined to find out. Our little unexpected date happened the first night of the camp. The sessions were over already and most of the people went swimming. I wanted to go with them but I had to nurse my aching left foot and I convinced myself that I already swam earlier that day so that should be enough. All the realizations the entire day was screaming inside my head which led me desperately to find an internet connection and a decent laptop, so I could videocall Ava, Ate Jiggy and Ate Nini through SKYPE. 30 minutes passed, no internet connection was found. Fortunately, the Lord had better plans. While I was struggling to find an internet connection, Kevin came to hang-out with me. Apparently, he was left all alone because all his roommates, and all the other boys went swimming. Poor kid had no choice left but to talk to me. So I grabbed the opportunity to ask him questions after questions aiming to know somehow how and why he became so enraged. An hour and half later in our conversation..

Queen: "Kevin, you know what, I can totally identify with you. I used to be so angry and all this when I was in college and I am so excited to know who you truly are beneath all this anger and hatred. I am excited to know the real you. I understand because I felt that way before. But I know better now, I know that all this anger, violence and hatred are something foreign. You are not an angry person---you are a person."

Kevin: "Ate, you are the only person who told me that. Most of the people I know or I don't know, judge me right away."

Queen: "May I pray for you this time?"

After praying for him I instantly saw tenderness in his eyes. I sensed he was more relaxed as opposed to his tensed and defensive body language when we started talking.

Queen: "It was nice to listen to you. But I have to go now and rest."

Kevin: "Can we continue talking Ate Queen?"

Queen: "I wish I could but let's do talk some other time ok? You can approach me if there's anything you want talk about, I am willing to listen."

What's so amazing about that conversation was how God sustained me because I needed to pee way before we talked and I lasted for a good hour and a half holding it all in. Haha. Seriously
though, I praised God how he intervened that night by messing the internet connection, He had a better plan for Kevin and me at that time. Your wisdom Oh Lord I cannot fathom. :)

Blessing #3: Key, my roommate

It was God's grace that Key and I spent the night alone in our room. All the rooms are to be shared by three people and we were missing a roommate, that's Ate Ali. So, another poor kid with no other choice but to accompany me. Haha. She went to the camp with another churchmate, so she basically knew no one else. I already met her earlier that day and our short interaction gave me the idea that she is an introvert. Ate pat and I was drawn to her haircut, the short haircut that she always wished she could pull off. Back in our room, I was befriending her and telling her the things I learned and my blessings that day when she poured out her heart to me. Mind you, her HEART was bared in front of my very eyes. I was startled and ashamed for her at that time as I was hearing her story.

Queen: "Aren't the things your sharing with me too personal? Aren't you ashamed to tell these things to a total stranger?"

Key: "Not at all. Because when I first saw you, I knew right away that you were trustworthy and I know that you are true to yourself. It amazes me that at your age, it seems that you have experienced a lot of things already. I wanna be like you Ate Queen."

And remember that I only met her earlier that day. Amazing! Before we part ways, she even left me with a far too precious gift --- a dried/pressed small rose that she picked in Japan when she studied there for High School, so that rose sat inside her Bible for 3 or 4 years, I think. :)

Three lonesome souls, ONE BLESSED DAY of learning about worship and leading people to worship. I am certain that it was the Spirit of God that enabled me to witness it all. All the questions and even the words was carefully provide by Him who is faithful. I am left speechless and in awe how God has been using my journey with Him to influence the people around me. AMAZING AMAZING GOD!

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I can live for two months on a good compliment. - Mark Twain

Because of my love language, I would like to take advantage of this opportunity to share the other conversations I had in the past weeks. Bear with me, peeps. Come and let's gnaw the affirmations I am loving from different people.

"You are such a kindred spirit Queenie."

"We can't do anything if you're really likable."

".. You are a cactus containing the Spirit of God as living water...and you've just been analogized ;) pero salamat yet again dahil God has used you and I cannot deny my life has been better having tangled with yours for a while. Where that leads me is still a matter of God's will. "

" I met her few months ago. She is an active leader of Campus Crusade for Christ. She is very remarkable [because]of her cute and curly hair. She also reminds me of Kyla. (with angelic voice and looks) Whenever I have problems, I know that she is always there to pray for me. I admire her passion and love for Christ. She is one of my inspirations when it comes in evangelizing people. I love to share the word of God but the fear of being rejected hinders me. I am praying that God will give me the courage that Ate Queen has so that I can bring back the glory to HIM. She is also the one who motivates me to make a blog. Through [my] blog, I can share what God has revealed to me during my quiet time. I can tell the world how great is our God. Thank God for giving Ate Queen to me and to my friends."

"..Your presence brightens my heart piece and the lack of it in the future will sadden me greatly..."

"Whenever we talk, I learn more about myself."

"You are my one and only Ate, no one can replace you."

"Thank you for continually discipling me, for rebuking me, for making me question myself. If not for you, I don't think I'll be thinking of such things. And I were not thinking of such things, I might not be relying solely on God's Power, I would not bring myself in prayer. You are a crucial part of my being and I don't have fancy words to describe how much I appreciate you. All I know is, I thank the heavens for giving me the perfect friend, who cared enough to know the real me. I want you to always remember.., that knowing you was one of the most important phase of my life because I knew more of myself, and loving myself in the process. When you made me look within me I liked what I saw. Two years ago that wasn't the case, and If I knew you then, I might have called you a lunatic and a retard. I look forward to spending my time with you in prayer like what happened [one] Saturday night. I am affirmed that you are the best person to be with during those moments when I painfully grasp for words yet you still understand me then all we can do is cry and laugh together...My prayer for you is that you would remain true to who you are because that is how God shares His love to others; through your heart, through your love...I love you Queenie Joy. You're still my Ming, my wonderful sister in faith. PS Sana.. "

Now I am all the more affirmed that I need not be afraid of being me. I'd rather be rejected for who I am than be loved for who I am not. To all those people I quoted, Sorry if I haven't asked permission beforehand. :)

I have never been as comfortable as I am right now in my own skin. I could not believe how beautiful God made me and how I am joyfully accepting myself at this point of my life.

I'll continue to know more about my God, and in the process of seeking Him I'll know more about myself. And as I continue to journey knowing myself, I'll help more people know more about themselves.

I conclude that I am blessed to be a blessing. I will not withdraw this gift. "I know I am filled to be emptied again, so the seeds I receive I will sow."

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me


You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you

-Demi Lovato,"This is Me"

I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am..

..There's a heart that must

Be free to fly

That burns with a need

To know the reason why

Why must we all conceal

What we think

How we feel

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm

Someone else

For all time

-Christina Aguilera, "Reflection"

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Matthew 16:25-27 (New International Version)

²⁵For whoever wants to save his life^{a](in Greek: Soul or life)} will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. ²⁶What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

1 Peter 3:3-5 (New International Version)

³Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.⁴Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.⁵For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

awestruck

around 2am.

God I am awestruck.